What We Don’t Deserve

“You deserve someone who knows what they want: and that what they want is you.”

These were the words that were uttered over me by a very dear family member as we were having lunch one sunny Florida day. “Did I deserve this?” I pondered as I ate my okra.

I had recently been through my first real heartbreak, one of many to come. I was young and felt as if I would never find (what I thought was love) again. What happened next was 3 years of finding myself. I traveled. I strengthened my relationships with family and friends. I latched onto every experience I could. I began to love myself.

During this time I met a man. Our romance began in a whirlwind. We spent multiple nights and days planning our futures together. Maybe we would serve? Maybe we would start our own business? The opportunities were endless. I fell deeply in love. But as quickly as our relationship started, it came to an end. I was lost.

I thought back to that okra lunch date years earlier. “You deserve someone who knows what they want: and that what they want is you” I said over myself.

6 months since then I’ve gone on multiple dates. Good dates turned into good talks, which ultimately turned into incompatibility. Nonetheless I stayed steadfast in the joy of the Lord. Then I truly met someone who rocked my world.

He is kind. He is passionate about me. He is loving. He comforts me. He wants me for me. He loves me despite every mistake I make, or how many times I erroneously lead with my feelings. I hadn’t simply met any man, but THE one who died for me.

Christ has come into my life in ways that I still have yet to discover. Many days I do not feel Him, but I know He is there. I know that He is working on me and mending me.

Through each heartbreak I’ve faced, I’ve been made a better person. Instead of getting angry easily, I physically open up my hands, inviting transparency in. I cry all the time now at the most mundane things. I am cognizant of how I try and realign my day to day thoughts. I take alone time to go to a farmer’s market or the library, because it fills me. I pray daily for those you have harmed me, or vice-versa.

These may seem small, but to me, each and every one of these things is God’s handiwork.

One of my favorite authors Lysa Terkurst says in her new book Uninvited, “If we will remember to return often to our Instructor…our Creator…we will discover His loving hands still pulse to continue making us. Tweaking us. Molding us. Filling us. And daily completing the good work He began in us.”

You deserve someone who knows what they want. And that what they want is you. The one who can ALWAYS satisfy this is the Lord. He’s whispered to me in the stillness, when I cry out to Him saying that He’s gotten my attention, what does He wants? “You.” He says. “You.”

We do not deserve the Creator of the entire universe wanting us, but it is freely given. That astounds me every single day. That despite the times I’ve messed up He wants ME. No matter what. And He wants you.