When Losing Yourself Wins


May I bear my heart with you? May I be vulnerable for a moment?

Being lost in a new place has slowly become one of my favorite things. It creates a sense of vulnerability that only comes up a few times in our lives.  It allows for adventure, new friends, parks to explore, and so much more. Now being lost in my life, that is not something I often welcome with open arms.

Each and every one of us will go through heartache of extreme kinds. The type where we can barely focus on the task at hand, let alone the daily tasks required of us. The type where our whole world and sense of self is shaken to its core. The type where sloth consumes our every being. Questions swirl around in our minds like a wind-whipped piece of clothing left on the line too long. “What if I had done X, Y, Z?” “What if I had just known not to say that one thing?” “Why did no one tell me?” “I felt God’s presence and heard His voice in this…” Have you been there? Are you there currently?

I have and I am.

God does not promise an easy life, He promises an abundant life. But what if abundant life isn’t full of pure joy and happiness?  This is something I cannot figure out and won’t claim to understand. The Merriam-Webster definition of abundant is, “marked by great plenty” or “amply supplied“. Could it be that we are abundantly given discord and confusion to draw closer to God. Or could it be that our own free will and ego gets in the way of this abundant life we are promised. These are a few of the things I wrestle with.

Philippians 1:21 is a verse recited in the Church often and one that Sidewalk Prophets made an amazing song out of, “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain”. A few of the lyrics go as follows:

If I grow, let me grow in You
Wilt the seeds of wanting more
Ripping pride out by the roots
If I’m still, let me hear You speak
Not the tone of my transgressions
But the song of the redeemed

My great desire is to be with You
But this is the place You chose for me
This is the place You chose for me
To lift my cross and give everything
This is the time You gave to me

For me to live is Christ
To die is gain

God will cover and see over us, especially in times of deep sorrow and strife. Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose” This life isn’t about us, which goes against our selfish nature. It’s according to HIS purpose, not mine, not my heartache, not those who have scorned me or turned a blind eye to me.

Heartache hurts. Putting your entire soul and worth into something or someone to then just be dropped without a second thought is one of the most painful things to go through. You feel as if you have lost yourself, while in reality, you have won. You have been given one of the most precious gifts, though I am very aware it doesn’t feel like this.

Through heartache, we are given the abundant realization that the only way to be whole is through Christ filling the space we place idols in. This idol could be work, being single, being in a relationship, technology, Facebook, tea, food, your cat! The only person who knows what your idol is, is you. All these things are good and are wonderful to be desired. But once it engulfs your “God Space” that’s when things get sticky. When that idol is taken or runs from you, you lose yourself, but not the you God intends you to be. You gain a true fullness in the space that once falsely consumed your every being.

Be strong. This is the place and time He has chosen for us.


A Mole Hill Into A Mountain


Last weekend I decided to go on an adventure. It was sunny out and I didn’t have a care in the world, so my friend and I decided to go. It’d been so long since the beautiful rays of sun hit my face. I strapped on my Bean Boots from L.L. Bean (aka my Adventure Boots) and started off. My destination would be a “mountain” I’d heard my friends rave about for years. As we were driving down the dusty roads I noticed that everything around me was…well…flat. Winston, my British gps, notified me that I had in fact arrived at my destination. I again looked around. There was a house on one side of me and a semi-forested rock formation by a river on the other side. I got out of the car and couldn’t believe what I saw.

This “mountain” was merely a steep hilly rock formation that was a quarter of a football field wide and didn’t look tall at all. I grumbled to myself how we’d driven all this way for nothing. Quite the attitude for a self proclaimed aspiring adventurer, huh? But with the promptings of my friend and a little tough love, “Would you want to fall off of it? No? Then it’s not little”, I started up the….hill.

At first it wasn’t difficult at all, as the trail had been worn by many others. But as we ascended higher and higher, the rocks became a little more steep, and my attitude became a little more humble with every step. After the final push up the rocks I stood on the top of the hill and looked around me for miles and miles. It was pure beauty. Out in the middle of nowhere was something truly spectacular.

Sitting on the hill which I now lovingly call my little mountain, I reflected on the short journey I just took. I had assumed that just because something didn’t look as impressive as I thought it should, it didn’t matter. My mind became set in stone (get it, stone!? I digress). But what I found out, was that even if things disappoint you or you don’t feel like something matters, it does. That translates to life as well. Just because you don’t have the money to travel all over the world doesn’t mean you can’t find adventure. Just because you have no time doesn’t mean you can’t get outside and de-stress a little. And most importantly, just because you don’t feel like you’re worth it, doesn’t mean that you aren’t.

My little mountain taught me many things this week, to which I am very thankful for.